I actually got visibly upset today about the weather.  If I check WEATHER.COM for an update, and I'm told that it's currently raining in Tallahassee while it's actually like Total Recall outside, that's bullshit.  I'm tired of this.  If there's a projected 30% chance of rain every day for ten days, would it not rain on at least 30% of those days?  Am I misunderstanding simple probability?  Fuck it, I'm lumping meteorology in with the War on Drugs/Terror.

A 60-ish woman wanted business cards.  Ok, no problem.  At least not until she explained her profession:  "I'm a doll doctor.  When somebody's doll gets hurt, I perform surgery on it!  HEE HEE HAW HAW HARRHAHAREHWAAGHNWHGWAGHRHGH!"  Somebody needs to get these kooky bastards outside before dementia consumes the rest of their brains.

Adjusting for inflation, a bean burrito from Taco Bell simply has to have the highest food:cost ratio fast food has ever known.  I can't think of an item that even gives it competition.  Whether it sucks or not is irrelevant;  if you are impoverished, that is what you're eating until you're evicted and don't have to pay rent on a cardboard box.  There is no debate.

Replaying Metal Gear Solid 2 has me reading all about AI constructs and Turing machines and free will.  What the fuck?

Work sucks.  I will not elaborate, as I've seen firsthand that (incredibly) combining employment at a certain shady, faceless shipping megacorporation with the information superinternets can be a brutal, suicidal endeavor.

Without Soma FM, I would have killed lots of people by now.  I mean, the body count would be significant.  It'd be gruesome;  I'm talking drinking blood and allowing it to run down my face, flaying the body in the name of the dark lord while engulfed in flames gruesome.

Anyway, it's done me well, and plugging it is the least I can do until I can donate something significant.  Internet radio:  The current home of good music (at least until it's trampled on too).

I plan to donate to Ron Paul's presidential campaign.  I don't give a shit if he's fresh off a mental institution stint, he brings more to the table than everyone else combined.  Paul hitting 3% in New Hampshire being claimed a "success" is a fucking travesty.  Regardless, if you have a shred of passion for this country's direction do some homework on him, and all the other candidates for that matter.

But you're likely much more concerned with American Idol and gas prices.  What am I thinking?  Go back to your regularly scheduled bullshit.

Particularly cynical today.  Sue me.

HAY GUYZ, Karl Rove is under investigation!

In other words, no real news to report.

#1:  Virginia Tech
Alright, that's it.  It's over.  Stop "introducing" us to the victims, stop "profiling" the gook that killed them all, stop reaffirming the UNDYING HOKIE FORTITUDE AND SPIRIT RAWR, and for the love of all that is good on earth, stop adding fucking Virginia Tech logos/ribbons/crying pandas to your internet social outlets.  This horse has ALREADY been beaten to death, reanimated by a necromancer, and re-beaten to un-undeath again.  This stupid image is just as shallow as all your "OMG VT" Facebook profile images, except I actually put some thought into it (not much):

What I love most is the raging debate over whether or not it was prudent for the media to show the guy's self-masturbatory video.  Well, he sent this shit to NBC.  Not his mommy, not America's Funniest Home Videos.  That pretty much cements the fact that everybody played directly into his hands.  He's a legend now.  He'll be CASE STUDY #1 for sociopath textbooks, and we're going to see him every day for the next four months and every April 16th for the next fifteen years.  His rambling about hedonism and revenge obviously sounds as shallow as it does incoherent --- except to pseudo-intellectual seventh-grade goth hermaphrodites with nothing to offer society and even less emotional stability.  Great job, everybody.


#2:  Dubya

LOL.  I don't know what else to say.  Nothing from this administration could surprise me at this point.  If Gonzales holds a press conference Monday where he shows up dressed as a sombrero-clad clown and fires diarrhea from a super soaker at reporters, I'd not only not be shocked, I'd see it as a fitting ending.
For most of the last seven years, my general opinion of the administration was "Yeah, they're pretty inept and wrong on just about every policy decision made.  It happens."  However, somewhere between "helluva job, Brownie" and Gonzales CHANGING THE FUCKING DEFINITION OF HABEUS CORPUS in front of a horrified Arlen Specter the administration just devolved into a hemorrhaging joke.  It's a circus now, with each sideshow working overtime to one-up the last.  America doesn't even give a shit anymore.  It's all just Daily Show fodder.  I don't see how the argument can be made that there has been a bigger catastrophe of a presidency.  Watching Gonzales left me speechless.  I have nothing to say.  It just can't get any worse than this.


#3:  HAPPY 420 LOOOL

4-20, one of the more rampantly stupid creations to date, didn't come up in conversation with anybody today.  This pleased me and is evidence that my "Idiot Quarantine" plan is coming to fruition.  A visit to Facebook turned out differently, but it was expected as Facebook is a cesspool of stupid to begin with.  If you smoke enough weed to celebrate it, it's not really a holiday now, is it?  If you used the words "happy" and "4-20" in the same sentence today, it would probably be best to kill yourself.  At the very least, allow a trained professional to remove your reproductive organs.  You owe it to the victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre (copyright pending) or something like that.


#4:  I <3 U PAU GASOL

I am really looking forward to the NBA playoffs.  Reasons:
-It's Yao's time.
-This is when we find, definitively, how high Lebron's ceiling is.  I can't remember an easier path to the finals than Cleveland's.  He couldn't have set his own stage any better.
-I know I'm not the only one aching to see Kobe drop 60 only for it to be in vain when Raja Bell piledrives him through the scorer's table and the Suns roll L.A. by 25.
-Two television entities shamelessly use and abuse the worst commercialized rap there is:  MTV/BET and NBA basketball.  I'm eager to see the steaming crap we're offered during timeouts and montages this time around.
-Did you notice Duncan telling the media he hopes the Spurs get a "fair shake" from the officials in the playoffs?  Do you realize what this means?  Tim Duncan was preemptively whining.  He's basically tried to excuse every foul he and Ginobili pick up from here on out.  Duncan excels so much at whining, he's created a new method of whining.  A new low for an all-time bitch.

The weather forecast was wrong again today. The weather forecast was wrong again today.

The weather forecast was wrong again today.

June 5:

My beloved Dolphins are a mess.  A catastrophe.

Look, I'm just now coming to grips with the fact that in 2000, somebody sat on his ass in Coral Gables and decided that Jay Fucking Fiedler was going to be the quarterback to take them back to the playoffs.  Jay Fiedler.  Jay Fiedler was handing the ball off to Karim Abdul-Jabbar.  What the fuck?



So they kinda tread shit for a few years, making themselves the laughingstock of professional sports by even giving Ricky Williams the time of day.  Oops.  Hey, remember when Gus Frerotte was the starter for a year?  Oops.  Anyway, Nick Saban appears out of nowhere and they decide that Daunte "Let me just throw the ball behind my head and let Moss come down with it" Culpepper is the quarterback to take them back to the playoffs.  Oops.  Oh well, since he's fucked, let's allow Joey Harrington to shit the season away.  Oops.  He couldn't even tank the season correctly.  He failed at failing.

Now I'm hearing that they're considering trading for Trent Green.  Look, you dumbasses, time is up.  Rebuild from scratch.  Zach Thomas has reached full-blown "aging" status and the secondary couldn't lick Sam Madison circa 2001's balls.  Just stop pissing around.  I can't handle another year of Quarterback-By-Committee.  I won't.  I'll assault the cheerleaders, possibly sexually.  I'm serious.  Help me.

The tournament has ended, and Ohio State won it all.  Congratulations to them, they deserved it.  I never have liked the Big Ten, but Ohio State did all that was asked of them.  You cannot convince me otherwise.

Here's a random complaint:  Weather people, just give up.  Give it the fuck up.  The last three days you've called for rain, and the last three days nothing has happened.  Monday you called for a 50% chance of precipitation.  Ok, so the fuck what?  Basically you're telling me that you're worthless, because a coin flip would make just as successful a prediction.  I can say "it might rain" without hundreds of millions of dollars spent on weather balloons and radars and dorks in lab coats.  Put me on TV.

Now that I've reached self-governing status, work has sucked the last three days.  Let us hope this isn't an indication of.........well, forever.

Beer.

The tournament is my favorite time of year.  So, let's begin.  Paulus is a faggot.  He's worthless.  How does this guy get so much attention?  I'll tell you how.  He goes to Duke, so he's "well-coached" and "polished" and "focused."  He's also "garbage."



The attention he gets is obnoxious.  When he finally hit a free throw in the second half, I expected instantaneous parades to break out in every capital city in America.  I'm glad VCU was finally able to shut everyone up by exploiting every weakness in Paulus' game:  offense, defense, and athleticism.  I love how he was Duke's player of the game.  Are you serious?  A blind, crippled pile of dog shit would have been Duke's leading scorer if VCU had rode its ass like they did Paulus.  Big round of applause for 9'6" McRoberts bringing the ball upcourt when Paulus was tired/sick/thirsty/comatose/whatever.
Hey, congratulations on your pull-up jumper, Paulus.  Make sure you high-five every teammate, coach, fan in the arena, and Duke alumnus on earth;  I'm sure they forgot about your turnover thirty seconds ago.  Coach K is the master, but even he can't coach some guys up.

That said, this tournament sucks so far.  Gotta love Stanford wallowing in a pit of their own diarrhea against Louisville.  I should have watched more ball this year, because at this point I say Georgetown is the team to beat despite the fact that not only had I not heard from them this year, I thought the entire campus imploded after Thompson II (III?  IV?  XVI?) vanished.

Seriously, Winthrop is the team to beat.  I'm not kidding.  Imagine for a moment that they sneak by Notre Dame.  Now they get Oregon (who isn't even a lock for their game) and following that an extremely overrated Wisconsin.  They can do it.